Recent Blog Posts

Judges do not love your children

Divorce Help Center — Fri, 04 May 2012 18:50:00 GMT

JUDGES DON'T Love Your children!

At our annual Family Law Bar Associatio meeting a while back, I spoke with a good friend who also happens to be one of the local district court judges. The judges is a parent and has raised very successful chilrend. We were dicussion mediation the great benefits it has over going to court.

My friend, the judge said, when couples show up in court, they are asked, "Why are you here. They often respond with they want me to settle their dispute about their children. I often ask them - So why are you here? I do not know your children, do not love your children, and will never know your children. But you want me to make critical life changing decisions about your children? Any you think I am in a better position than the two of you?

Mediaion is a place where you can have the difficult discussion on these issues with a trained professional neutral who will keep the conversation on task. Despite the heavy emotion involved, progress can be made and decision can be reached by the parties who know their children better than anyone else in the world. NO matter what you think, a juge will never be able to see the situation from your exact perspectvie. Despite a mandate to do what is “in the best interests of the children”, even the best judges cannot know you children as well as you.

No matter how angry you are at your spouse, or how certain you are that a judge will rule in your favor, it is always better to try to settle the parenting issues directly with the other parent rather than risk losing total control by placing the process in the hands of a judge who is a complete stranger to your family, who doesn’t love your children as a parent does, who doesn't know you or your spouse and only a few hours to speak with inside the confines of a trial, and just might make the wrong decisions making matters worse, not better. .

SS Benefits for Divorced Spouse

Divorce Help Center — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 15:51:00 GMT

As a divorced spouse, you my be entitled to receive Social Security benefits based upon your ex's earning hsitory if you meet a number of criteria. This is true, even if your spouse remarries (However, you may not remarry):

Your marriage lasted 10 years or longer;
You are unmarried;
Your are 62 or older;
The benefit that you would be entitled to receive based on your own work is less than the benefit your ex-spouse would receive based on their work; and
They are also entitled to Social Security retirement or disability benefits.

If your ex-spouse has not yet applied for retirement benefits, but can qualify for them, you can still receive benefits on your their if you have been divorced for at least two years.

If you remarry, you generally cannot collect benefits on their record unless your later marriage ends (whether by death, divorce or annulment).

If you are eligible for retirement benefits on your own record, Social Security will pay that amount first. But if

the benefit on your ex-spouse's record is a higher amount, you will get a combination of benefits that equals that higher amount (reduced for age).
you have eached full retirement age and are eligible for a spouse's benefit and your own retirement benefit, you have a choice.

You can choose to receive only the your benefits now and delay receiving retirement benefits until a later date. If retirement benefits are delayed, a higher benefit may be received at a later date based on the effect of delayed retirement credits.

If you

continues to work while receiving benefits, the same earnings limits apply to you as to your ex-spouse. If you are eligible for benefits this year and is also working, you can use our earnings test calculator to see how those earnings would affect those benefit payments.
will also receive a pension based on work not covered by Social Security, such as government or foreign work, your Social Security benefit on your ex-spouses record may be affected.

The amount of benefits your divorced spouse gets has no effect on the amount of benefits you or your current spouse may receive.

Spring Back After Divorce

Divorce Help Center — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 16:08:00 GMT

SPRING BACK AFTER DIVORCE

Now that spring has arrived and you have survived the terrible 4 (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and Valentines Day), it is time for the new you. I've been in your shoes and nothing makes you come feel alive again a new attitude. Easier said than done, I know. But here are few tips to kick start the new attitude in you.

Start with a new look. This is a must. Guys, get a new haircut that sharp for dating. Ladies, if it's been long, go short. If it's been short, change it up. And don't forget the new outfit to go with the new dew.

Talk long walks. Not just around the block or to the store, but for miles. Plug in the ear buds, download a good podcast about something you have been wanting to listen to or learn about, grab a water bottle and head out. Walk away from home for 1 hour and then turn around to head back. After 2 hours at any pace you will feel tired, but alive.

Meet people with your interests. Look for an interesting class through a local community center, the Colorado Free University ( http://www.freeu.com/ ), or the Academy for Life Long Learning ( http://www.academyll.org/ ). With so many low cost opportunities in the Denver area, you cannot help by find something that sparks your interest and the people who share your interest.

Plant something new. Even if you live in an apartment, buy a small kitchen garden. Caring for it and watching it grow will help you feel motivated to care for yourself and grow as well.

Start a new hobby/activity. Whether its painting, fencing, writing, or jogging, just get started on something that you think may inspire you.

Finally, clean out the cell phone and email box. If someone is in your address book or cell phone that is only connected to your old life, and who you know you are not going to contact - delete, delete, delete.

Why mediation fails.

Divorce Help Center — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 14:16:00 GMT

Why Divorce Mediation Fails.

Despite all the advantages of mediation, my experience has shown there are three main reasons why the mediation process fails in a divorce case. If you aware of them and can avoid these pitfalls ahead of time, your mediation stands an extremely high chance of being successful.

Secret keeping – Something either hidden and later discovered, usually financial, or something not disclosed until late in the process can cause a mediation to fall apart. Obviously hidden bank accounts, savings, or other secret assets increases the distrust between the parties on even the undisputed issues. Therefore, disclose everything early.

Unreasonable expectations - Parties who become frozen in their positions and who are unwilling to approach variables to an agreement with an open mind, can cause a breakdown in the process. Even though this is a very emotional time for you, go into the process knowing you are going to have to give to receive. You can take your time to review and process offers that are made. However, you will have to make decisions, and regardless of what they are, know both sides will leave feeling a bit unsatisfied.

Financial ignorance – Dividing one household into two on the same income that supported the one will have a dramatic if not sometimes devastating impact on the finances in both. Many fail to appreciate the certainty of this event. One should sit down ahead of time face the often harsh reality of no change in income, but doubling of most major expenses. Consider the impact of 2 rents, 2 sets of utilities, separate insurance policies, and the like. You don't to like it, but if you are prepared for it, there will not be sticker shock when discussing numbers.

Avoiding these pitfalls ahead of time will increase your likelihood of success at mediation.

Difficult Conversations - pt 2.

Divorce Help Center — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 21:06:00 GMT

Making that difficult conversation about your marriage and/or divorce successful is usually one of degrees. Nothing about the conversation is going to be pleasant, but it can have a measured degree of success based upon how you are and what you say. How you are refers to your ability to stay on task, focused toward discussing the issues without spiraling into emotional quicksand. Obviously, what you say or how you say it also has an impact on the ability to keep the conversation on task.

When you feel the conversation slipping down that slop of anger and argument, return to your purpose. Stay calm and try to bring the conversation back around to your objective. You can do this by acknowledging the other person's feeling, pain and anger, while pointing out what you are here to discuss.. Support their emotions without using verbal attacks, name calling or blaming the other for the failure of the marriage. Do not assume they will understand your point of view. They will not.

Finally, practice the conversation with a friend. Have them test your responses before holding the real conversation. But if even after practice, the real discussions still spiral into emotion, consider bringing in a professional divorce mediator to help keep the conversation on task. Often the presence of a neutral mediator can keep the issues at the center of the conversation.

Having that conversation

Divorce Help Center — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 15:42:00 GMT

Having the first conversation about divorce or the follow up ones about how you are going to proceed are difficult. You often avoid them for weeks, months or even years. Right? To assist you in getting it started, I have put together some tips on developing a plan of action to make it happen. The purpose of the suggestions is to keep you focused and flowing through the conversation and keep the discussion on task. But you should prepare yourself ahead of time by asking yourself a number of questions.

What is the ideal outcome of the conversation? What do you hope the conversation will achieve? The answer to these questions will help you define a purpose from which you can frame your discussion.

Try to avoid assumptions about the other person's position. Assumptions can both get you in trouble and deflect from your objectives of the conversations. Remember "assumptions make an ass out of you and me." So, be very cautious about assuming too much. Keep the conversation on "I's." I want. I need. I think. I feel. Avoid: You think. You feel. You need. If anything out of your mouth starts with "you," try and change it to "I".

Do you have emotional buttons that are being pushed by having the conversation? Look back at the history that go you here and try and understand ahead of time why you feel the way you do. Then own your feelings. You do not have to be embarrassed for ashamed of them. This will help you keep the conversation on "I need, I feel, I want."

Prepare for the conversation ahead of time so you can stay in charge of yourself. Do not let the other person turn the conversation around and make it your fault. Ignore verbal attacks, put downs, and blame. If you remain calm and centered on the goal of the conversation, it may help the other person stay on task as well.

The next blog will discuss conversation skill that you can put into play during the conversation.

Melting Pot Families

Divorce Help Center — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 20:36:00 GMT

Blended families are a natural melting pot and direct product of divorce. Stepchildren, half siblings, and step siblings are all part of divorce, and it furthers the "melting pot" that has so often described America. The grafting together of separate families after divorce exposes the players to new experiences, personalities, and situations that would never be anticipated in a traditional long term marriage.

In my own family, my parents divorced when I was in elementary school. I had two sisters at the time. A few years later my father married into 6 more kids from 2 previous marriages of his new wife. There were now 9 of us between 4 households. Are you keeping up? Now, almost 40 years later, we are all still connected, and all the better for the experience. But, it was not without its trying moments.

Although the Brady Bunch paints a always happy picture of the scenario, the real life participants need to recognize the foreign element to everyone involved that such a situation creates. The adults need to be the adults and not have unreasonable expectations of the children. The children are not going to instantly buy-in to the step-parent trying to act like a parent. They are not going to be understanding of suddenly having to share they attention to these people who have been thrust into their lives. They are not going to instantly like or trust everyone involved.

So, if you are such a parent, please read up on the subject depending on your role. And above all, BE UNDERSTANDING AND PATIENT.

Post Divorce Financial Planning - Pt. 2

Divorce Help Center — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 16:30:00 GMT

In part 2 of this segment on financial planning after divorce, here are a few more tips for surviving after the financial pinch of divorce.

Start right now. Get the new financial planning momentum going immediately. It will quickly turn into a habit that can only make your life better. If you fall into the, "I'll do it tomorrow" pattern, tomorrow may never come.
Set smart financial goals. Make sure the goal makes sense, provides you with some level of happiness, and improves your feeling of financial security. If the goal does not meet ALL 3 objectives, reevaluate your need for that goal.
Your needs are ever changing. What you may want today, may not even be in your consideration tomorrow. Understand that your needs will continuously change. You will meet someone new, may get re-married, may have kids, or may move. Be ready to adjust to the ever changing road of life.
Don't try to "double your money tomorrow" playing the investment game. This is not the time to become an E-trade guru with your smartphone. Learn to let long term growth and compounding interest become your friend. Engage a financial planner, preferably with a CFP designation (Certified Financial Planner) who can help you make good choices for the long term. The Millionaire Next Door met with hundreds of millionaires who built their wealth a penny at a time. Slow and steady will get you there.
Large purchases must be examined with your future financial goals in mind. If a large purchase inhibits your new savings habit, reassess your need or urgency to make such a purchase. Consider how long it will set you back and, can your get back up to speed with your savings if you make this purchase?

Hopefully these two blogs provided you some insight and perspective into how simple financial planning after divorce can be. With a little work, you can create the financial life you always wanted. Happy are those who dream dreams and are willing to pay the price to make the come true.

Post Divorce Financial Planning - Pt. 1

Divorce Help Center — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 15:59:00 GMT

Post Divorce Financial Planning - Part 1

After your divorce is finalized, you must put effort into restarting your long term financial plans. No doubt this life change has reduced your disposable income and made living twice as expensive as before. This is not the time to plow money into retail therapy. The financial demands of the road of life continue to appear every day. But with a little planning and effort, the ride will be better than you imagined.

To be ready for it, you must ask yourself these important questions: Are you prepared for long haul financially? Do you live a fiscally responsible live style? Has the divorce shifted your financial priorities? Is college, home ownership, or a new car still in the budget? What is important to your now financially? Do you have a plan to get there?

You probably do not have answers to all of these questions. But here are a few tips to help you develop a plan for a bright financial future.

Expect the unexpected. As you have learned by now, life happens when you least expect it, and it is often expensive. So, no matter what your other goals are, work on putting away 6-12 months of your monthly expenses into a safety net fund. Shoot for 5%, 10% or even 20% of your monthly income to be set aside on the same day every month. It may take months or even years to build it to a comfortable level, but if you put away the same amount every month, it will accumulate fast.
After the safety net fund, determine the financial goals the matter to the NEW YOU the most. Is your focus on helping your kids plan for college, or buying a new house, or maybe a new car. Whatever it is, focus on your goal.
Get your kids involved in a positive way. Make them part of the team in this new adventure. Give them a small budget for clothes, or school supplies, or snacks. Teaching them about finances and to adjust to financial change is a good lesson in life and an opportunity for everyone to grow closer.
Be wary of the everyday expenses drain. The coffee stop on the way to work, the afternoon vending machine, a quick run through a fast food restaurant, or the snacks in the grocery store line all add up. These add little to your life and will save you will save a bundle.

Asset Review in Divorce

Divorce Help Center — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 16:59:00 GMT

The divorce process, even in the most amicable situations, requires both parties to gain a complete understanding of the marital finances. If you do not know everything about your financial situation, you must take the time and put in the effort to understand your situation before you begin discussing settlement. To begin your investigation and learning experience, be sure to take time looking into the following issues:

Tax Returns: Reviewing your tax returns for the past 3-5 years is always a good place to start. Look for any inconsistencies in business income, investments, real estate deals, deductions, or anything else that you do not understand. If you find something unusual, ask about it or get the back up documentation that supports the issue. If you cannot find your returns, you can contact the IRS and download form 4506. This form will allow the IRS to send you signed copies of past tax returns.
Business Tax Returns: If your spouse owns a business, they may have filed a separate tax return for it. You are entitled to a copy of it and should look over income and expenses. Look for large savings accounts held by the business, personal expenses charged to the business, and expensive assets (vehicles, real estate, and expensive equipment). If they were acquired during the marriage, the ARE marital assets regardless of what name they are held in.
Marital Checking and Savings Accounts: If you were not in charge of the accounts, take time to look over the last year or two of transactions. You may find money going to a different account you were not aware of, items purchases you have never seen, or expenses for things like credit cards you did not know existed. It is important to understand the complete financial picture.
Children's bank and college savings accounts. You should be aware of these transactions as well as they are often raided by a spouse who is in need of funds. Additionally, people have been know to use an account under a child's name to hide money using a custodial account for a child, and then withdraw it after the divorce is finalized.

So, before you agree to a divorce settlement, be sure and review the items listed above carefully in addition to all the mandatory disclosures required by Colorado law.

Divorce & Your Credit Score

Divorce Help Center — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 23:04:00 GMT

In all likelihood, divorce is a new world for you to navigate through. During all the confusion that comes with process, the last thing you are probably concerned about is your credit score. However, credit scores after divorce may play a major role in the rebuilding of your life. New credit cards, car loans, mortgages, apartment rental companies, and even banks where you open a checking account all will check your credit score. So, it is important to monitor your credit profile, even when going through a divorce.

Being married does mean that you are married to your spouse's credit report. Each of you has your own individual credit score. It is important to know that the joint accounts you have together and those that you are solely responsible for. Unfortunately, separating from your spouse does not separate you from joint debt. If the debt was listed in your name or both of your names, it is your responsibility to get it paid. Getting divorced will not remove your name from the account, EVEN if the divorce agreement says that other spouse is to pay the debt. So, it is important to monitor your credit, even after you divorce is final.

You can check your credit profile fairly simply due to federal law the requires credit companies to provide you with a free credit report once every twelve months from each of the three nationwide consumer credit reporting companies: Equifax, Expiran & TransUnion. To make it even easier, the three major credit reporting agencies set up the website,annualcreditreport.com , to provide free access to annual credit reports. If you haven't yet looked at your profile, do it now.

So what are you looking for? First, and foremost is whether the information listed about you is accurate. Review all the personal information as well as the payment history to be sure any delinquencies are accurate. If you do find any inaccurate information, be sure to amend it right away. On the annualcreditrreport.com site you can dispute any information you believe is incorrect. You may also write to the credit reporting bureau directly that is listing the inaccurate information.

Level the Playing Field with Mediation

Divorce Help Center — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 18:03:00 GMT

Often times at Mediation Partners, we get calls asking about the benefits of using mediation to settle their divorce. Many are concerned that the opposing party will take advantage of the situation, will sway the mediator to their side whick will result in the party not paying their fair share of the debts, avoid turning over their fair share of the assets, and not being given appropriate amount of contact with their children.

The stress surrounding those concerns is very real to anyone involved in a divorce. But you should not have those concerns. Divorce is a stressful and emotional time and with that comes the fear of the unknown. For most of the people who contact us, this is their first time through the divorce process and they are searching for the most appropriate help for their particular situation. Additionally, their understanding of divorce mediation is rather limited.

Mediation Partners process educates both parties about divorce in Colorado, and strive to be open and transparent in our process while maintaining equitable fairness to all the parties involved. In addition to helping you reach an agreement, we also want to sure each party has an appropriate level of understanding of Colorado Divorce law. Although your mediator cannot represent either of you, we spend time talking about Colorado divorce law as it applies to your situation in an effort to level the playing field so that you can both participate fairly and come to a mutually agreeable settlement.

To insure neutrality, we will not discuss your case until we have had a first session during which both parties are present. We also provide education of law in Colorado through out numerous short videos available on this website in the Video Vault. If your case involves issues beyond our expertise, we have many knowledgeable experts in the areas of real estate, mortgage refinancing, financial planning, retirement planing, and counseling services who can assist us all in the process.

Are you are still asking, "why don't I get an attorney who fight it out for me?" Then consider whether your lack of understanding about divorce is really a reason to start a expensive and emotionally taxing long legal battle. Education about the process with a trained professional divorce mediator will provide you the knowledge to be comfortable making good decisions. After all, once you are living separately and divorced, you will have to learn how to manage your household finances, run your home, and take care of your children on your own.

If you continue to have questions, please give us a call. We look forward to helping you resolve your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little impact to you and your family as possible.

Fathers Should Stay Invovled - Pt 2

Divorce Help Center — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 15:13:00 GMT

Father's are important – part 2

Divorce is difficult on everyone, especially the children. Mother's usually stay involved with their children. However, for a number of reasons, may father's fail to maintain consistent, nurturing contact with their children. This 2 part blog points out that Fathers Matter.

Kids who felt their fathers were available had fewer problems with developing friends. Also, the more actively involved and interested a father remains in his children's care and education, the more intellectually developed his children become.

Children of supportive fathers have fewer problems at school, including lower absences and better testing scores. Studies are beginning to show that fathers differentially impact brain development from mothers. The involvement of both is extremely important for proper developmental balance. Without the father's more arousing and energetic play behavior, studies appear to be pointing to a lack of development of the child's left hemisphere.

Children who have fathers they strongly and positively identify with have better self control and are less aggressive than the latter. For both boys and girls, it appears that father's involvement is critically important during a child's second year of life in regulating aggression.

You can learn more at: FATHERS MATTER: Relationship-Focused Parenting for Men.(A six-week support and psychoeducation group for men who want to improve parenting skills and to form positive, flexible, and secure relationships with their children www.fathersalwaysmatter.com )

Fathers Should Stay Invovled - Pt 1

Divorce Help Center — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 22:51:00 GMT

After divorce, it is important for a father's to stay involved with their children. Continued involvement with the children creates secure attachment. Secure attachment is a bond between parent and child characterized by parenting that is warm, sensitive, dependable, and flexibly responsive. The child who is securely attached knows that the parent is available when it counts.

Development of Secure Attachment is very important for a child's development. Research consistently shows that a securely attached child shows improved IQ scores, increased self-esteem and self-confidence, are well liked by their peers, show enhanced empathy toward others, and are more likely to form healthy, secure, and supportive relationships as adults.

So, why do children need their fathers? All children benefit from both the additional caring of both parents, and a variety of caring styles when both mom and dad stay involved. Studies have shown that infants with involved fathers tend to score higher on tests of thinking skills and brain development.

Additionally, as babies grow older, they actually come to prefer playing with their fathers who provide unpredictable, stimulating, and exciting interaction. Such play fosters social, emotional, and intellectual development.

Primary school children consistently score higher on tests of empathy if they have had secure attachments to their fathers during infancy. This has been demonstrated through their ability to recognize how other children felt and took steps to make them feel better.

Children who have fathers who stay emotionally involved score higher on tests of emotional intelligence. They also tend to have better relationships with other children and behave less aggressively.

Denver Post Endorsed Divorce Mediation

Divorce Help Center — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 21:21:00 GMT

The Denver Post endorsed the use of divorce mediation its front page article on January 23, 2012. Support for the process, the cost savings, the stress reduction, and the speed of the process is all spelled out in their story.

Statistics were also given regarding the rise of mediation and mediated agreements. According to the article, divorce agreements reached by couples, often with the assistance of a trained mediator, are up to 72% in 2011 even though the number of divorces filed are down.